The Toff and the Terrified Taxman Read online

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  The Toff and The Terrified Taxman

  First published in 1973

  Copyright: John Creasey Literary Management Ltd.; House of Stratus 1973-2011

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  The right of John Creaseyto be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

  This edition published in 2011 by House of Stratus, an imprint of

  Stratus Books Ltd., Lisandra House, Fore Street, Looe,

  Cornwall, PL13 1AD, UK.

  Typeset by House of Stratus.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress.

  EAN ISBN Edition

  0755123980 9780755123988 Print

  0755134079 9780755134076 Mobi

  0755134486 9780755134489 Epub

  This is a fictional work and all characters are drawn from the author's imagination.

  Any resemblance or similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental.

  www.houseofstratus.com

  About the Author

  John Creasey – Master Storyteller - was born in Surrey, England in 1908 into a poor family in which there were nine children, John Creasey grew up to be a true master story teller and international sensation. His more than 600 crime, mystery and thriller titles have now sold 80 million copies in 25 languages. These include many popular series such as Gideon of Scotland Yard, The Toff, Dr Palfrey and The Baron.

  Creasy wrote under many pseudonyms, explaining that booksellers had complained he totally dominated the 'C' section in stores. They included:

  Gordon Ashe, M E Cooke, Norman Deane, Robert Caine Frazer, Patrick Gill, Michael Halliday, Charles Hogarth, Brian Hope, Colin Hughes, Kyle Hunt, Abel Mann, Peter Manton, J J Marric, Richard Martin, Rodney Mattheson, Anthony Morton and Jeremy York.

  Never one to sit still, Creasey had a strong social conscience, and stood for Parliament several times, along with founding the One Party Alliance which promoted the idea of government by a coalition of the best minds from across the political spectrum.

  He also founded the British Crime Writers' Association, which to this day celebrates outstanding crime writing. The Mystery Writers of America bestowed upon him the Edgar Award for best novel and then in 1969 the ultimate Grand Master Award. John Creasey's stories are as compelling today as ever.

  Chapter 1

  The Taxman

  It was the Toff’s first visit to this particular taxman.

  On the wall-plate by the open front door of the Victorian building in Mayfair where the taxman had his offices, he was much more comprehensively described, of course. This modest plaque read:

  Inland Revenue

  H.M. Inspector of Taxes

  4th Floor

  Above, below and on either side of this announcement were other plaques. Two banks had offices here; so did three firms of accountants, two insurance brokers, one insurance company, a number of business firms trading from such goods as engineering small parts, imported fruit, machine-tool makers to toy manufacturers. And, tucked away on the seventh and top floor, were:

  Johnny P. Rains

  Private Investigator

  and

  Bonatti and Firmani

  Artists in Decor

  Not unnaturally, the Toff was more interested in Johnny P. Rains, the private investigator who made himself so familiar with clients even before they became clients.

  “Johnny,” a suspicious husband might say, “I want evidence to prove that my wife is unfaithful to me,” and there seemed no reason at all why Johnny P. Rains should refuse to help. However, the Johnnies of today’s England were running into squalls. The law had decreed that inability to live together after trying over a reasonable period should be the favourite ground for divorce, with adultery an also ran; so where would the private eyes be now, poor things?

  The Toff was inside the tall, dark entrance hall waiting for the large lift to descend carrying passengers behind the criss-cross iron bars of the car. A carload would surely soon arrive. He was never quite sure that a human being would in fact emerge when those doors opened; he half-expected an orang-utan, a baboon or, in those moments of the highest flights of fancy, a man from Mars. He was not exactly fanciful this fine April morning, however: more reflective and wary, for he had come to see his taxman and try to get what seemed to him a much fairer assessment of tax than the Inspector himself thought just.

  Normally his, the Toff’s, accountant would have been here, while the taxpayer disported himself or did good deeds, or even led his usual, everyday life, which was at times much less romantic than most people who knew him believed. Now and again recollection of the pounds and new pence involved came to him, only to be sternly if subconsciously suppressed by thoughts of other things and other people.

  Johnny P. Rains, for instance.

  He had heard, vaguely, of this Johnny.

  Johnny P. had once worked for a client whose then wife had, in a manner of speaking, been represented by the Toff; she had been in fear of murderous assault from her husband, and couldn’t he, Mr. Rollison, help her? Please. The details of the case were vague but doubtless would grow clearer if he dwelt on them. At the moment, however, he was coming to the stage when he would really have to think about his income tax figures.

  “Rolly,” his accountant-cum-friend of long standing had begged hoarsely from his sickbed, “don’t start a slanging match, or tell the Inspector what you think of the Government. Just use sweet reason, if you must go and see him before I’ve recovered from this blasted back.”

  The accountant had a slipped disc.

  “I always use sweet reason,” the Toff had replied with great dignity.

  “Perhaps you do,” the accountant conceded, “but there’s nothing like an Inspector of Taxes who sits like Buddha behind his desk and quotes the latest Finance Act at one, to make a layman lose his temper.”

  “I shall not lose my temper,” the Toff had asserted.

  I must not lose my temper, he thought, as he took a firmer grip on a slender briefcase which slid down from beneath his arm. Then in a flash of exasperation he muttered: “Where the devil is that lift?”

  A man whom he had not heard approach, spoke from one side.

  That in itself was enough to startle the Toff, who had heard no one approach. But here was the man, on his left and a few inches further back. As the Toff turned his head, the man said: “It is probably held up by a taxpayer who has fainted after his interview.” There was a glimmer of humour in his blue-grey eyes. The man had a pleasant face, with broad features and a broad chin with an unexpected point. “You wouldn’t prove to be of such a frail nature, would you, Mr. Rollison?”

  Rollison, a tall, lean, dark-haired, very handsome man with an air of the gallant about him, pursed his lips and replied; almost sure that he was right about the identity of this man.

  “I am about to find out, Mr. Rains.”

  “I’m disappointed,” returned Johnny P. Rains. “I’d hoped you were coming to see me. Will you think me impertinent if I offer you a little advice?”

  “Certainly not, but I can probably anticipate it,” replied the Toff, whose real name was the
Honourable Richard Rollison, “I must not lose my cool.”

  “Right!” confirmed Johnny P. Rains. “And at the same time, wrong. I can tell you in confidence that one Income Tax Inspector, no longer with us, told me, when we were together in the loo, that he always regarded loss of temper as an indication of guilt or concealment, and as a result, probed more deeply than he normally would. The new man hasn’t said this so bluntly, but I suspect it’s a general rule. Probably paragraph 7, sub-section 18, page 12 of the Income Tax Inspector’s secret manual.”

  “Oh,” said Rollison, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “Is there such a thing?”

  “I’ve never seen one,” answered Johnny P. Rains, “but I would be surprised if one doesn’t exist.”

  “I shall look out for it,” promised Rollison.

  “Do tell me if you set eyes on it,” pleaded the other. “Ah! I hear the lift. Probably some chit of a girl child has been holding the gates open for her boss, who is doubtless dictating at furious speed to his secretary.”

  “Or on the telephone,” replied Rollison.

  At that moment, the lift appeared in view, just above their heads. Inside were two pairs of legs – one pair trousered, one pair pantyhosed. This pair was on tiptoe. It was a remarkable, not to say a beautiful, sight. The remarkable fact was the way those legs seemed to stretch, from small feet and nice ankles up slender calves and even nice knees, to broadening thighs. The lift descended so slowly that the expanse of leg seemed to lengthen and lengthen. However, the girl wasn’t all legs. She had a slim body pressed against a slender young man. They were in a close, kissing embrace and apparently oblivious of the two men at the gates.

  The lift stopped. Johnny P. Rains opened the doors. The couple gave each other another hug and then, arms intertwining in such a way that it seemed as if their bodies were too, they came out, the girl looking up and the boy looking down. It was doubtful whether they noticed either Rollison or Rains, who stood obligingly on one side.

  “My!” exclaimed Johnny.

  “Sweet young love,” murmured Rollison, stepping into the lift.

  “They’ve probably realised they’ll get a tax saving if they marry early rather than late,” said Johnny, closing the doors. “Did you know that after a certain income level, it used to pay a couple to live in sin?”

  “Fascinating,” remarked Rollison as the lift crawled upwards. At a landing stood an infuriated man who cried: “Can’t you stop that bloody thing here for once?” In a reflex action Johnny P. Rains pressed the ‘stop’ button and the lift stopped only an inch or two above the landing level; and the gates opened, the inside one at Johnny’s thrust, the outside one at the older man’s pull.

  He came in, limping, not only old but grey.

  “Thank you, thank you! Getting this infernal contraption to stop at the second floor is the nearest thing I know to the impossible. Thank you, thank you.”

  Both Johnny P. Rains and the Honourable Richard Rollison murmured the appropriate remarks and eventually the lift stopped at the fourth floor. Rollison stepped out. The private investigator continued upwards with the old man, who still looked exasperated. It was probably a chronic cast of countenance by now. Rollison saw the same wording on a smaller plaque on a door on the right of the lift, and went towards it. Inside was a cramped waiting room which looked rather like a doctor’s or a dentist’s, and a panel of glass in a green painted wall which held the single word: ENQUIRIES

  On one side was a bell push. Rollison pushed. There was no immediate response. Rollison waited long enough to see some notices stuck on the wall behind him, and was about to ring again when the glass panel slid open. At the same moment the door behind him opened and someone else stepped in.

  “Good morning,” a girl at the panel said. “Can I help you?”

  She was young and pretty and pleasant and she had long golden hair.

  “I’ve an appointment with Mr. Watson,” said Rollison.

  “Oh,” breathed the girl. “You’re the Toff.” She uttered the word with a kind of sibilance which was obviously meant to be heard by other girls sitting at desks behind her, and four heads turned: a dark one, a fair one, a red one and a grey. Rollison learned again what it meant to be the cynosure of all eyes.

  He gave his nicest smile.

  “How very nice to be recognised,” he said.

  “Oh, everyone was thrilled when they knew you were coming,” the receptionist declared. She wore a knitted yellow sweater which fitted bosom-snug. “I’ll tell Mr. Watson,” she promised. “He won’t keep you a minute, I’m sure.”

  She disappeared, leaving the panel open, while the four women stared at Rollison, and one began to rise from her chair. He noticed her pick up a pen as the man who had come in spoke from behind Rollison in the now familiar voice of Johnny P. Rains.

  “Mr. R.,” he said, “I wonder if you could spare me a few minutes after you’ve finished here. I’m only three floors up, and with any luck the lift will work.”

  Rollison, having no other engagements until after lunch, replied formally that he would be glad to. The woman who had picked up a pen was now at the open window, a plump and nicely made-up woman in her thirties.

  “Mr. R., could I have your autograph, please?”

  He signed a sheet of buff-coloured paper, then three more sheets as they each staked a claim; at last the blonde girl returned to announce that Mr. Watson would be glad to see him. But there was a change in her which Rollison was quick to notice. Something or someone had upset her, and who could it be but Mr. Watson? She had a rather scared look, which made her face more striking than attractive. Was he wrong? he wondered as she turned to lead the way. She wore a dress which fell below her knees, and was no doubt wise, for she had rather thick legs with over-full calves and her knees were probably enormous.

  She led the way through a long, narrow office, where perhaps twenty girls and six men sat at small desks or typing tables, with piles of thick files about them. The whole length of one wall was shelved from floor to ceiling, and each shelf was piled high with these files, doubtless the dossiers, as it were, of taxpayers whose taxes were weighed and measured here.

  Every head turned to look at the Toff, but the Toff behaved most circumspectly, following close on the fair girl’s heels. She reached a door marked: H. M. Inspector — Private, tapped and stood aside.

  A man called: “Come in,” and she opened the door and the Toff went in.

  Immediately, he realised that something was badly wrong. For this man had a frightened expression, reminding him vividly of the girl’s: it was as if the same thing had scared them both. It was obvious, however, that Mr. Frederick Watson was doing his best to conceal his feelings. He stood up and proffered a hand and said with commendable heartiness: “Good morning, Mr. Rollison. May I say what a great pleasure it is to meet you?”

  “May I say how much I hope that pleasure is going to be mutual?” replied Rollison, as they shook hands.

  The remark appeared to puzzle the Inspector.

  “I see, I see,” he said; and then he gave a broader, more natural smile, and repeated with much greater vehemence born of real understanding. “I see! Well, you can be sure of this - do sit down - no one in this office wants you to pay a penny more than is lawfully due. That goes for everyone, including ourselves. We pay taxes, too, you know.”

  He tried to laugh: but failed. He pushed his chair back, brushing one hand across his forehead as he did so, and turned his swivel chair, which squeaked. Piled high on shelves behind him were dossiers like those in the other room, and Rollison assumed that these were the files of taxpayers whose obligations were now under review. On the man’s desk was a fat file with a name written clearly in black. Even upside down, it was easy to read:

  Rollison, Richard, the Hon.

  But Watson looked on shelf after shelf, keeping his face
averted, until suddenly he took out a big white handkerchief, and blew his nose with a loud honking. Almost at once he turned round, dusting his nose, then started back as if in astonishment.

  “Here’s your file, Mr. Rollison!”

  “Is it really?” murmured Rollison.

  “It is indeed,” Watson blew again but with much less conviction. “Hay fever, always get it in the Spring, not a cold, I assure you, only hay fever. Not at all contagious!” He pulled his chair closer to the desk. “I am sorry to hear about Mr. Slazenger, I do hope he recovers quickly. Has he tried an osteopath, I wonder? Some osteopaths are very good, I believe, on slipped discs and bad backs. Now, ah—your file, Mr. Rollison. Yes. I have a letter from Mr. Slazenger saying you would come to discuss your tax, and of course I am open to discussion: eager for it, in fact. The letter—” He placed his billowing handkerchief over his mouth and nose, so that only his eyes were free, and stared down at the letter on top of the pile of letters and forms in the case. “The letter says that you feel you have not been allowed sufficient expenses, on the one hand, and that you have been taxed on all your income as if it were unearned, whereas in fact you claim that a certain proportion is earned, and so taxable at a lower rate. If you care to tell me how much you feel is justifiable as a claim for expenses, business expenses, then perhaps we can reach a figure satisfactory to us both. I—”

  The telephone bell rang, at his desk.

  It startled the Toff, but it startled the Inspector much more. He went pale, and for a moment stared at the instrument without moving. At last, he stretched out for it, but there was no doubt in Rollison’s mind that he was afraid of what it might be. He was a spare-boned man with a rather shiny jaw and nose, and his cheeks were slightly sunken.